ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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