**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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