I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
foreskin is a definite game changer
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
