I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
