i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
