Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
