I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
