Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
