Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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