I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize