My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize