I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
