just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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