i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
