I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
