Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
