I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Randomize