Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
