In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
