i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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