porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
