You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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