its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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