somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We don't watch enough power rangers
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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