We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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