Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
