He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
