Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
