He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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