...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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