I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
