you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
