I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
