So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
