Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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