Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
