She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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