god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm really into asian looking animals
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
