Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
