Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
