He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
