just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
