wrigley field is MILF paradise
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
PANTIES FOUND
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