My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I didn't notice because vodka
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
