Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize