Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
