3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This is not my ceiling
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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