Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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