I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
