he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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