I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize