How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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