the day after is always just damage control
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
