grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
