you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
