You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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