Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
