Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
