im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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