Where is the hickey?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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