Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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