Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
