I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
