You made me cry and you don't even care
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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