Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
