we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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