The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
